All my life I felt and acted like a little girl. Even though I just turned 41. In a very strange way, the little girl in me made me feel safe among other people, especially in the company of men. Because, you know, who would even think of hurting a child who is also cute and obedient.
And yet, who am I beyond this child aspect? And isn’t the time for me to grow up, to mature, to feel and behave like the adult I am? Who am I beyond all the roles I play every day as mother, lover, daughter, friend, professional? Who is this WOMAN in me? The woman I have so cleverly hidden all this time.
I am now embarking on a new journey – the journey of my discovery as a woman. So far I have only managed to peek, to catch little glimpses of who I am as a woman. And I’ve always got scared and quietly retreated back into my innocent, sweet child’s corner. It was what I knew what it felt like, I knew what I had to do when I was in child mode. But the woman in me is not at all innocent and not that sweet. The woman in me has desires and not all of them very orthodox, the woman in me has needs that she demands be met, the woman in me has a whole arsenal of tools and weapons of manipulation. Yes, like it or not, the woman in me is a great manipulator and she knows very well what she wants and is perfectly aware of what she is doing to get what she wants. And that’s not at all innocent. But at the same time, it’s not assumed either. Because I always retreat into my child’s shell afterwards to protect myself from possible repercussions.
And I think the time has come for me to come out of my shell altogether and live my life that way – assumed. As a WOMAN. With wants, with needs, with demands, with strategies, with meanness and everything else that comes with being a woman. Things I will discover along the way. And which I will share with you, even if I won’t always like what I discover about myself.
I’m committing to live as a Woman and not as a wayward child. To feel, to do, to behave as a Woman, with assumption and with as much gentleness as I can have for myself.
Let the journey begin!